'Round and 'Round

"I myself spent nine years in an insane asylum and I never had the obsession of suicide, but I know that each conversation with a psychiatrist, every morning at the time of his visit, made me want to hang myself, realizing that I would not be able to cut his throat." - Antonin Artaud

Insomnia. Bone tired but can't sleep. So tired I can't even write a complete sentence.

I've started my internship which, so far, I absolutely love except for the schedule which seems from all indications like it will be the death of me. What are normal or even easy hours for "normal" people are gruelling for me. I could barely keep my eyes open today. I was, quite literally, weaving a bit as I was standing in one of the classrooms. It's been a busy week, though, and I've not had enough down time.

"Down time" - good Lord, how little that used to matter and how absolutely necessary it is now! My uncle's birthday was last Saturday and there was a small family celebration for him. Just a dinner at a restaurant but the week prior had left me so drained that I was snappish and wanted only to go home, crawl into bed and drift into carefree oblivion. After dinner I went to a fundraiser for an old friend. That too, was overwhelming, it was an auction held in the common room of a local church - large space, tiled floor, nothing to absorb sound, and LOTS of chattering peoples. I was so dizzy after several minutes that I had to leave.

Today I made the mistake of taking a nap after "work". I simply came home and went right to bed, figuring that an hour or two nap was just the ticket. It was, at the time, but now, when I should have been asleep an hour ago, I'm here, writing this silly blog. Tomorrow I need to be up at 6am for class, and I can't stop thinking about that time. 6. am. Ugh.

Then I start counting the hours I have left to sleep if I fall asleep RIGHT NOW.

Completely counterproductive, I assure you. In fact it just stresses me out and then I end up looping on how I've destroyed my chances for a decent night's sleep so I might as well just get up and got watch documentaries on Netflix. (Yes, I recognize that this behavior is also counter productive.)

I've taken two benedryl. (ALSO counter productive, but there was a secondary reason, I have horrible allergies and my eyes are so swollen and itchy I look like Sylvester Stallone in "Rocky".) That was two hours ago and still no soporific effects.

I also read half a paperback.

And found and printed out 12 journal articles.

AND wrote this.

You know when I'll get tired? Four a.m. Yep, when I can have a whopping two hours of sleep and wake up cursing my life.

This schedule isn't good for me. It forces me to change gears too fast, or rather, to schedule too tightly and to get up too early. The eight hours "ON" at "work" are also no picnic for someone with a broken brain. This work demands me to be constantly present. Not much down time to recoup and recover, and, consequently, the deleterious effects accumulate to the point where, like today, I am almost completely non-functional.

Completing this internship means that I will have no time in my life for anything else. My remaining two classes will suffer. My health will suffer. I'd started going to the gym in an attempt to get my cholesterol and sugar in check and was doing quite well until last week. Since I started the internship, I've gone, oh, four times. Prior to that I was doing an hour of cardio every day and had dropped 10 pounds in a month. Now I'm lucky if I get home and am able to answer my phone calls and go through the mail before collapsing into bed.

I need 600 hours. I was hoping to finish by September. I don't know if I can pull this off. For now, I'm going back to bed to finish that novel, and I swear I won't think about 6 a.m. or how many potential hours of sleep I have. Honest.